Things are not going so well. Once again, I can�t find a middle ground. Last night, I biked 8 miles, did god knows how many reps on the weights, and I still can�t find peace with myself. This morning, I ate and immediately I had to purge. Since then, I haven�t touched a bite of food. I know that I can�t without having to purge. There�s no way to get out of my own mind. I did try to take pictures of my collection of pointe shoes. Yes, I�m a geeky dancer. I have all of my old pointe shoes, and I collect rare and old shoes from all around the world. They�re all unused of course, which is even cooler. ANYWAY, I did that�.burned the pics to cd, and I still can�t get my mind off of all of this bullshit. I wish my therapist would have been better than she was. She really had no clue about what having an eating disorder was like. Really, she didn�t seem all that concerned because I wasn�t anorexic. I really think in some ways I was discounted and just looked at as a source of money. She never had me do anything after the first two times, and we had nothing to talk about. I was looking for someone to help me, and it certainly wasn�t what she was trying to do. Instead, I�m still trying to find a new psychiatrist, which I see another next week�.. and I hope she can recommend someone. I think I�m kind of giving up on the whole thing of ever having a normal life. This is year 9 of anorexia and bulimia. There is no end. I want to be put in patient and stop the whole cycle. Even then, I know that I�d continue. When I gained weigh on medication that was helping me, I stopped. I know that there�s nothing that can stop my mind from being set on self-destruct mode. Self injury is also becoming another problem. I keep staring at my veins on my wrist and wanting to cut deeper and deeper. I need to feel the pain physically that I can�t find through my eating disorder. I deserve nothing more than to suffer and be unhappy.
Recently, I started taking lamictal. It�s done nothing. I spent the entire holiday season suicidal and wishing that I was invisible. I knew at that point I was going to either drop serious weight or gain. Guess which I did? Gained like a cow eating better than ever before in its life. I disgust myself so much. My new trick has become to eat breakfast with Alessio or before he gets up, and when he showers, I puke in the kitchen sink. He always wants me to talk to him while he bathes but now I can�t. I should say �Sorry, have to puke, but enjoy your shower� but I�m not that open. I think he thinks I�m doing better and keeping the one meal a day down at least. However, I�m doing worse and feeling even fainter than before. It reminds me of how I felt before starting my sessions of passing out while in Switzerland. I might try the apple diet that I was on there that kept me from at least passing out but one more time. LOL, incidentally, he made me see a dr there that told me I needed to lose weight. He never had a clue either that it was an apple a day. Bah, drs are morons anyway. Hmm, I wonder if my electrolyte levels are off?
Tomorrow, I have to make an appointment to have my ballet injured knee examined. It�s been screwed up for a couple of years, but I can�t bring myself to have anyone look at it. I�m afraid they�re going to want to do some type of surgery. That freaks me out so badly. I�m fine and can even watch (and hopefully perform soon) surgeries of other people I don�t know, but I pass out of puke when it�s myself or family. Sad. I�m going to faint if they do anything under local anesthesia. I really don�t want them to stick a laparoscopic instrument into my knee. Ewww, ewww, eww. I�m sure it will hurt as well afterwards.
I guess that�s enough rambling for now. Nothing is going well at all. I really feel suicidal and there are no medications running through my veins that are helping to combat the feelings. Pffff, my shrink thinks I�m bipolar? MY BUTT! I wanna feel true mania, and then we�ll agree or not.