I saw my new psychiatrist today. She'll also be my weekly therapist I found out. She has to be one of the best ones I've met so far! Not only is she exactly like me, but she was anorexic before. She entirely can understand what an eating disorder is about, and I already love her. The really sad part is I want to become anorexic just to prove I'm more than a purging freak. I feel like I need to prove myself to her, and I don't deserve the help of someone that has been so pure before. It's also another thing, it's not fair. She still sees Pauline Powers, the psychiatrist I tried to get to see!!!!! Dr Powers isn't even taking anyone new, and she sees her weekly. How unfair is that. However, I guess it's good she sees Dr Powers. I will get some offwash from that, I'm sure.

Anyway, she doesn't believe in a lot of drugs..... sucky. I'm ready to take the fucking razors to my wrists but didn't want to say so really. She asked if I was safe, and I lied syaing my family keeps me here. I know that can't last forever. When I drop into dispair..... they don't matter all that much. That makes me feel even worse when I look at it in a semi-normal state. I don't know, how screwed. I just.... I don't know. I don't see that people are any better off without me. I eat food, purge, and then what else do I do? I simply cost money that doesn't need to be spent on me. Alessio could be seeing his mother more often if it weren't for my shrinks, drugs, and shit. I feel worthless. I've binged 3 times already or I would again out of feeling bad.

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